The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co
by evilrabidplotbunnies
Summary: “What on earth is a Snape? And why does it sound like a bad thing?” Snape wondered. “Snape represents a certain point in middle aged wizards when you lose all cleanliness, fun, and hair,” quipped Wormtail. OOH, SNAPE GOT PWNED.
1. The Death Eaters Have a Baby

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.

Note: Hi, and thanks for checking out my new story! For those of you that haven't read my other stories, I highly recommend that you do so, especially "My Love" which is a short, very humorous piece about… well… love.

This story takes place at the end of Harry's fifth year. It will contain a lot of humor, especially in later chapters, because I have some hilarious things planned…

The basic plot of this story is that Voldemort gets turned into a baby and many interesting things take place as the Death Eaters try to take care of him, after moving into a Muggle neighborhood and going into hiding.

Enjoy, and don't for get to review!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot and an itty-bitty, tiny-teeny, yellow polka-dot bikini. Everything else belongs to J. K. Rowling, but I plan to steal it all back from her once I take over the entire universe and all of its contents! Muhahahahaha!

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Chapter 1 – The Death Eaters Have a Baby

"Avada Kedevra!" Voldemort screamed. Harry ducked, and just in time. The spell hit a large bowl of purple liquid, which splashed entirely on Voldemort.

There was a large burst of blue smoke, and a very big bang. Harry dashed out of the room to join his friends, leaving Voldemort there.

"Lord?" Lucius Malfoy called. Snape followed him into the room.

"Waahh!" a little toddler cried.

"Sir? Lord Voldemort?" Snape said, unsure of whether to run or scream.

"Waahh!" the baby shrieked.

Lucius and Snape turned to each other.

"Uh-oh…" they said simultaneously.

* * *

"What do we do??!!" Bellatrix Lestrange wondered while pacing around in the basement of Lucius Malfoy's home. "The Ministry will be here soon, and we need to get out of here??!!"

In the corner of the room, Wormtail was cradling baby Voldemort.

"Gahh!" the toddler laughed.

"WORMTAIL WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING WITH THE BABY AND HELP US HERE??!!!!" Bellatrix shrieked.

"Fine, all right!" Wormtail said reluctantly.

"We need to go into hiding!" Snape said.

"Great job, genius! Where??!!" Lucius snapped. He was not very happy with the toddler situation.

"No place in the wizarding world is safe anymore, we have to go to a Muggle place," Antonin Dolohov, the man who murdered the Prewetts, reasoned.

"Well, I guess you're right," Bellatrix said. "But _where_?"

"We can move into a house near Privet Drive, where that Potter boy lived," Lucius said.

"Okay, but we need to leave now, before they-" Snape said, but was cut short.

There was a crack, and an official from the Ministry of Magic had Apparated into the room.

"You are arrested for the murders of-" the wizard started, but never got to finish.

"APPARATE!!!" Bellatrix screamed.

"But I don't know how-" Wormtail began, but Snape grabbed his arm and they Apparated away into the night.

"You have the right to an attorney!" the wizard called after them.

* * *

Note: I hope you enjoyed Chapter 1! Please review, it makes me update faster!

P.S. If any Harry Potter experts who are reading this know the names of a few other Death Eaters, could you be so kind as to review and share them with me? Thanks!


	2. The Death Eaters Break and Enter

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Company

Note: Thanks for all of your fabulous reviews! I love you guys! Also, thanks to the kind reviewers who told me the names of some other Death Eaters!

Disclaimer: I'm not gonna say it again, it hurts too much! (I own nothing! Boo-hoo!)

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Chapter 2 – The Death Eaters Break and Enter

"Two words," Wormtail groaned. "Apparating hurts."

"Where are we?" Avery asked blindly.

The night was dark, and the street lights had been turned off. The Death Eaters could barely make out the shapes of several houses in the darkness.

"Let's just pick one and barge in," suggested Dolohov.

"No! We can't do that! Besides, we can't use magic anymore, since the Ministry can trace us by the spells performed by our wands," Snape said.

"WHAT?" Lucius yelled.

The Death Eaters shushed him.

"You mean to say that I can't use magic for a long time? ARGH! This is the worst day of my life!" Lucius complained.

"Worse than the day I pulled that prank on you where I put you in women's clothing and made you-" Snape said slyly, but Lucius immediately clamped a hand over his mouth,

"We don't need to relive that, thank you very much!" Lucius said hurriedly, bad memories flowing back to him.

"What did you make him do?" Bellatrix said, curious to know how Lucius had been humiliated.

Snape shouted, but his voice was muffled by Lucius's hand.

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out," Lucius said. "That was just an expression," he added.

"Fine, whatever. What do we do now?" Bellatrix said miserably.

"Look, that house is for sale!" Wormtail said.

"Very observant, Wormtail," Snape said sarcastically, after Lucius removed his hand. "So what do you suppose we do about it?"

"We can sleep there because it's empty!" Wormtail said.

"Good point," Snape said.

The Death Eaters made a mad dash for the house.

"I call the room with a bed!" Wormtail yelled instinctively, being used to living in hiding as a rat.

"No you don't, I do!," Lucius yelled.

"No, I called it first!" Wormtail said.

"Since when?" Lucius snapped back.

"Since now, FIRST!" Wormtail shouted.

"SHHH!!" Snape shushed. "People can hear us!"

"Right," Wormtail said, feeling somewhat dumb at the moment.

"The rooms better all have beds!" Avery said, eyeing Lucius unpleasantly.

"If not, Wormtail sleeps on the floor!" Bellatrix said.

They arrived in front of the house.

"So, who wants to go inside the creepy empty house that's for sale first?" Wormtail asked.

"…"

Everyone pointed at Wormtail.

"So, I'll take that as a me?" Wormtail said nervously.

"You'd better," Dolohov said, cracking his knuckles.

Wormtail gulped.

"Okay, here goes," Wormtail said, putting his hand on the doorknob.

The door was locked.

"Great, what do we do now?" Bellatrix asked.

"We can just knock the door down and barge in," Dolohov suggested.

"Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?" Lucius said. "We're wizards!"

Bellatrix coughed.

"And witches," Lucius added hastily. "We can't just knock down the door, that's what dumb Muggles do!"

"And what do you propose we do?" Snape asked.

"Uhh…" Lucius stuttered.

"Right," Snape said. "So, until one of you dimwits finds a better plan, I'm knocking down the door."

"Yeah right! Like a puny guy like you could do that!" Dolohov said, receiving an angry glare from Snape.

"I'm not puny!" Snape argued.

"No one said you were!" Bellatrix interjected, glaring at Dolohov menacingly. "Right?"

"Right," Dolohov said reluctantly.

"Good," Bellatrix said. "The last thing we need is for us to argue and split apart."

"Would you people move it??!!" Avery said loudly. "I'm tired, hungry, and WE ARE STANDING OUTSIDE A MUGGLE HOME WITH OUR DARK LORD AS A BABY!"

The Death Eaters stared at him.

"All I'm saying is that if we don't do something fast, I'm gonna lose it!" Avery yelled.

"I think you already did," Wormtail muttered to himself.

Avery glared at him.

Wormtail whimpered.

"Okay, let's think about this logically," Snape said. "We are locked outside a Muggle house. What do we do?"

"Climb in through the window?" Lucius suggested.

"Good idea, now why didn't I think of that?" Snape said. "Oh yeah, because for some strange reason, THERE ARE NO WINDOWS ON THE FIRST FLOOR!

"Temper, temper," Lucius said.

Snape growled.

"Calm down," Bellatrix said.

"I AM CALM!!!!" Snape yelled.

The Death Eaters shushed him.

"I am calm," Snape repeated through gritted teeth.

"I have an idea!" Avery said.

"Well that's a first," Dolohov said.

Avery gave him a dirty look.

"How about this: we Apparate into the building?" Avery suggested.

"Can't," Dolohov said wearily. "Tried that in '97. Apparently, there's some sort of wizard law that says you're not allowed to Apparate into Muggle residences without permission."

"Why don't we just throw Wormtail into the window on the second floor?" Lucius said.

Wormtail squeaked.

"Yeah," Snape said menacingly. "Let's do that."

"Now, now, guys, is that really necessary?" Wormtail asked fearfully.

One look from the rest of the Death Eaters told all.

"Okay, then," Wormtail said. "But, what if I die?"

"Then that's all better for the rest of us," Dolohov said.

"Come on, Ratboy, do your thing," Avery said.

The other Death Eaters stared at Avery strangely.

"NO, I didn't mean _that_ thing!" Avery shouted, disgusted.

"Sure," Bellatrix said eyeing Avery. "Wormtail, transform."

"No, I really don't-" Wormtail said.

"NOW!!!" Lucius yelled.

"Okay," Wormtail squeaked, transforming into a rat.

"And you better not run!" Dolohov warned.

Lucius picked Wormtail up.

"Squeeze him," Avery said mischievously.

Lucius gave the rat a tiny squeeze, and the rat squeaked loudly and bit him on the thumb.

"OWW!!" Lucius screamed.

The rat seemed to smirk, if at all possible.

"Okay, on the count of three," Bellatrix said. "One, two, THREE!"

Lucius threw the terrified rat up into the air and through the tiny window. Thankfully for Wormtail, he made it in.

The rat squeaked endlessly while flying through the air. There was a small thump.

"OWWW!!" Wormtail cried, once back in human form. "I am _not_ okay."

"Unlock the door!" Dolohov called out.

A few minutes later, Wormtail was heard coming down the stairs.

"AAHHHH!!!" Wormtail's voice rang out.

"I wonder what happened," Snape said curiously.

"A SPIDER!!!!" Wormtail screamed.

"Coward," Lucius said. "No wonder he betrayed the Potters."

A lot of stomps were heard.

"I'm okay!" Wormtail said.

Soon, the door was unlocked, and the Death Eaters rushed inside and picked rooms. Fortunately, each room had a bed, and no one had to sleep on the floor.

"What do we do with the baby?" Bellatrix asked.

"Stop calling him the baby, it's the Dark Lord! What if he heard you??!!" Lucius snapped.

They all stopped to look at the baby.

"Goo goo!" it said.

"So… who wants to take care of him?" Snape asked.

"…"

"I'll do it!" Wormtail piped up. He had a strange liking for children.

The rest of the Death Eaters left to go to bed, and Wormtail went to his room and found a box to put Baby Voldemort in.

"Sleep well, little baby," Wormtail said. "I'd better become his favorite Death Eater after this," he thought to himself.

* * *

2:00 AM

"WAAAHHHH!!!" Baby Voldemort cried.

"WHAT!!!" Bellatrix sprang up in bed in the next room. She rushed over to Wormtail's room.

Wormtail was sitting up in bed, hurriedly shushing the little toddler.

"WORMTAIL YOU'D BETTER SHUT HIM UP OR ELSE I'LL SHUT YOU UP!!!!!" Snape yelled from a room down the hallway.

"FINE!!!" Wormtail said. "Uhhhh… Hush little dark lord… don't cry anymore… although it's better than Bellatrix's snores…"

Bellatrix glared at Wormtail.

"What? At least he stopped crying!" Wormtail said in defense.

"Fine, I'm going back to sleep!" Bellatrix said, leaving the room.

* * *

4:00 AM

"WAAAAHHHH!!!!" Baby Voldemort cried.

"WORMTAAAIIILLL!!!" Snape cried.

"Uhhh… I need to catch me some zzzzzz's!" Wormtail moaned, getting out of bed.

Snape stormed into the room.

"YOU LITTLE BRAT NEED TO SHUT UP!!!!" Snape yelled at the toddler.

Lucius ran into the room.

"YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE DARK LORD LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!" he shouted.

"I CAN AND I WILL!!!" Snape screamed. "I NEED TO SLEEP!"

"He apologizes," Lucius said hastily to the baby.

"STOP APOLOGIZING TO THE DUMB BABY!!!" Snape yelled. He was losing it.

"Okay, just calm down everyone…" Wormtail tried.

"I AM CALM!!!!!!!!!!" Snape raged.

Lucius and Wormtail stared at him.

"I am calm," Snape repeated once again.

"Oh look, he stopped crying!" Wormtail exclaimed.

He was right. Lucius and Snape gratefully went back to their own rooms.

* * *

5:00 AM

"WAAAHHH!!!!!"

"WORMTAIL!!!!!" all of the Death Eaters shouted in unison.

"I'm on it," Wormtail muttered sleepily.

Needless to say, the Death Eaters did not have a good night.

* * *

Note: Please, please review! Just hit the lonely little GO! button… Come on… you can do it! 


	3. The Death Eaters Experience Morning B

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.

Note: Thanks for all of the kind reviews! I love you guys! By the way, if anyone has any better ideas for a title, feel free to suggest one.

I warn you, nothing much really happens in this chapter, but I'm adding it to give you people a sense of the character's personalities, since a few of the Death Eaters will be out of character. (Well, we don't really know what all of their characters really are…)

Disclaimer: Must I type it again?

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Chapter 3 – The Death Eaters Experience Morning Breath

The Death Eaters all wake up in different ways…

"Uhhh," Wormtail groaned the following morning.

He sat up in bed and looked around, temporarily forgetting where he was.

"Where am I?" Wormtail said out loud. Then, he remembered. Running away from the Ministry of Magic, Apparating into this Muggle inhabited area, getting thrown into the house thorough the window… "That hurt," Wormtail thought to himself, rubbing his back. And then, he remembered the part about Voldemort.

Wormtail looked over at the little toddler, who was sleeping peacefully inside a box.

"Awww," Wormtail thought. How could pure evil come in such a cute baby form?

* * *

In the next room, Lucius Malfoy woke up.

"What the-" Lucius thought, as he rolled over in bed, but ended up falling off.

"Ooof!" Lucius said, landing on the hard wood floor. "What happened to my king size bed?" Lucius wondered to himself.

Then, everything came back to him, the fight at the Ministry, running from the Ministry of Magic, getting locked out of the house, throwing Wormtail though the window… Lucius laughed out loud at that thought. And then, he remembered the most important thing. Voldemort was a baby!

"Ugh," Lucius groaned. He did not like children. Lucius pulled the covers over his head and sighed. Being a Death Eater was a lot harder than it used to be.

"Why me??" Lucius asked miserably.

* * *

Down the hallway, Severus Snape was beginning to wake up.

"Hwahh, hem, hem," Snape yawned. (A/N: How on earth do you spell the sound you make when you yawn?)

Snape sat up in bed.

"Wait, this isn't my bed!" Snape thought in alarm. "This isn't my bed! Where am I? What happened? Did I have a one-night stand with someone?" Snape searched his brain cells and tried to remember. "No, wait, I haven't done that in years… What is going on? Where's my room? Where's my blanket? WHERE'S MY TEDDY BEAR?"

* * *

Dolohov awoke somewhat differently.

_Her face was getting closer and closer. She leaned in to kiss him. He could smell the lovely scent of her perfume. Their lips were about to touch when…_

"WHERE'S MY TEDDY BEAR??!!" Snape yelled.

"What the heck??!!" Dolohov thought. He opened one eye. "Why now? Why did he have to end another good dream? I was so close!" he thought desperately.

"Wait a second!" Dolohov thought. "Where am I?? What did I do?? Why do I hear Snape?? Why is he in my house??"

Dolohov turned his head and looked around.

"This isn't my house!! This isn't my room!!" Dolohov thought. "Am I in Snape's house??!! Maybe he kidnapped me!! Maybe he wanted to-" Dolohov gasped. "No… He wouldn't!! Ha! I knew he had a crush on me!! I was right!! Ugh, I hate being right all the time… WHOA!!! Bad mental image!!!!"

Dolohov got out of bed. "Maybe I should go and see how every body else is doing," he thought.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Bellatrix's room…

"Morning sunshine!" Avery called.

"Mmmmph, mmmph, mmm…" Bellatrix mumbled sleepily.

"Wake up…" Avery said.

"Hmmm… One more minute mom," Bellatrix said, turning over in bed.

"Bellatrix…" Avery said. He loved to annoy her.

"Would you please shut up-WHOA!!!!" Bellatrix said, seeing her hair in the mirror. "WHAT THE-" Bellatrix said, before seeing Avery.

"Hello," Avery said. "You have such horrible morning breath!"

"What are you doing??!! GET OUT!" Bellatrix screeched. "And I do not!"

Avery loved making Bellatrix mad.

"You know, I heard about this Muggle product that's suppose to cure snoring, and I think you should-" Avery started.

"I DO NOT SNORE!!!!!" Bellatrix screamed.

"Yes you do!" Wormtail called from his room.

* * *

Dolohov decided to walk down the hallway and see who's awake. He passed by Wormtail's room, and saw him playing with Voldemort.

"Poor guy," Dolohov thought. "I heard Voldemort was gonna let him go."

Then, he passed Snape's room.

"I want my blankie! I want my teddy!" Snape cried. He had fallen asleep again and was having a bad dream.

Dolohov crept into his room and decided to have some fun. He picked up Snape's dirty shoe and placed it within his open arms.

"Hmmmm," Snape sighed, and wrapped his arms around the shoe, thinking that it was his teddy bear.

Dolohov barely suppressed a laugh.

Snape cuddled his shoe and buried his head in it.

"AAAHHHHHH!!!!" Snape screamed, smelling his shoe.

Dolohov laughed.

"DOLOHOV!!!!" Snape yelled.

Snape threw the shoe at him, and he barely missed. Dolohov dashed out the door, and closed it shut.

"Hmm, Bellatrix's room," Dolohov thought. This could be interesting…

* * *

"UUUGGGHHH!!!!" Bellatrix said. "What are you doing?!" she asked, turning to Avery.

"Tape recording you," Avery replied simply.

"Why?? Are you hitting on me??" Bellatrix asked suspiciously.

"NO!" Avery said. "I was recording your snores. See?"

Avery pushed a button on the little black box-shaped thing. The sound of Bellatrix snoring was played.

"AVEEEERRRYYYY!!!" Bellatrix shouted. "Where did you get that??!!"

"I found it," Avery replied. "It took me forever to figure out what it does. First, I tried to hit Wormtail with it, but it turns out I was hitting Dolohov, so I stopped before he got mad. I mean, the two of them really look alike, I mean they're both old, getting bald, and-"

"Avery, leave before I hit you with something hard!" Bellatrix threatened.

Avery rushed towards the door, just as Bellatrix was reaching for the lamp on the nearby table.

"Is that a threat or a promise??" Avery asked slyly, turning around for a second.

"GET OUT!!!" Bellatrix said. She threw the lamp at Avery, who had run towards the door.

Avery ducked, and the lamp flew through the door, hitting Dolohov.

"OOOWWWW!!!" Dolohov cried. "BELLATRIX!!!! You have horrible morning breath!"

"I DO NOT!" Bellatrix screeched.

"DOLOHOV!!!" Snape yelled, entering the room.

"Sorry, Severus!" Dolohov said, before turning to Bellatrix.

Bellatrix winced. It is not a pleasant thing to have Dolohov mad at you.

"I'm sorry for hitting you!!!" Bellatrix apologized hastily. "Wow, you are bald!"

"Excuse me??!!" Dolohov said angrily.

"Did I just say that out loud??!!" Bellatrix said. Dolohov glared at her. "Man, I need to work on that!" Bellatrix thought.

"Yes, you do," Snape said with a smirk.

"Did I just say _that_ out loud to???!!!!" Bellatrix said. "This was really getting ridiculous," she _thought_.

"Yes, it is," Snape said. "And your breath is TERRIBLE!"

"What is wrong with me??" Bellatrix screamed, running out of the room.

"What did she say?" Avery asked, confused.

"She didn't say anything," Snape explained. "I was reading her mind," he said mischievously.

"You can read minds??!!" Avery said.

"Yep," Snape said.

"Really, then what am I thinking?" Avery said. "_Bellatrix has terrible morning breath_," Avery thought feverently.

"You've got that right," Snape agreed.

"Wow, you really can read minds!" Avery exclaimed. "Hmm, this could be interesting…" he thought.

"Yes, it could," Snape said.

"Okay, now it's just getting annoying!" Avery said.

"I know," Snape said, grinning.

"Imaging what we could do," Dolohov said.

"Yeah, we could drive Bellatrix insane!" Avery added.

"Yep, this will be fun!" Snape said happily.

* * *

Note: I'm sorry nothing much happened here, but I didn't want to add anything else because then the chapter will be really long. I have a whole ton of ideas, and I'm still trying to figure out what to put first…

Please review, kind people, and I will give you… something… Just review!


	4. The Death Eaters Have a Conference

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.

Note: Thanks for all of the awesome reviews! I'm sorry I haven't updated in about a month…

Disclaimer: My friend borrowed my itty-bitty, tiny teeny, yellow polka-dot bikini, so all I have is the plot.

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Chapter 4 – Death Eater Conference

Thirty minutes later…

"So, what are we gonna do?" Avery asked cheerfully as the other Death Eaters glared at him. They were sitting around a large round table discussing what to do next over a hearty bowl of nonexistent breakfast.

"I'm hungry," Wormtail complained.

"Shut up," Dolohov said tiredly.

Wormtail stuck his tongue out at Dolohov.

"Now you're becoming like Barty Crouch!" Snape said.

"No, I'm not! Barty's weird tongue-thing is more like this," Wormtail said, sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.

"I liked Barty; he was actually kind of cute," Bellatrix said dreamily.

"Was that before or after his soul was sucked out by that blasted Dementor!" Lucius shouted.

"Now, now," Wormtail said. "The baby is sleeping."

"Ugh," Lucius groaned.

"For your information, Lucius," Bellatrix spat, "It was _before_!"

"Dear Bellatrix," Avery ventured. "What would your husband say?"

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes at Avery, who scooted his chair away from her, making a horrible squeaking sound against the floor.

The Death Eaters winced.

"Hey," Wormtail pointed out. "None of you guys are wearing your Death Eater hats!"

"Mine's at home," Avery said. "Besides, I was wearing it one day, and this little boy comes up to me and says 'Hey look, it's an elf!"

"I know, those hats are so dorky!" Dolohov cried.

"Dorky?" Snape repeated. "Isn't that a Muggle word?"

"Uhhh…" Dolohov muttered. "I learned it a while ago…"

"Since when do you speak Muggle?" Lucius asked incredulously.

"Lucius," Snape said. "Muggle isn't a language, it's a people!"

"But they don't use words like Avada Kedevra or Wingardium Leviosa!" Lucius protested.

"Hello? Can we stay on topic here?" Bellatrix said.

"I like puppies!" Wormtail said suddenly.

"Okay… That was… random," Avery said.

"Anyways, what do we do now?" Snape asked.

"…"

"Any suggestions?" Snape asked.

"…"

"AM I THE ONLY INTELLIGENT ONE IN THIS GROUP??!!" Snape shouted.

Lucius gasped. "So, you're calling the Dark Lord _dumb_??!!"

"He's a baby! B-A-B-Y!! Baby!!! Not an intelligent life form!!!" Snape yelled.

"YOU INSULTED THE DARK LORD!!! YOU WILL PAY!!!" Lucius shouted, raising his wand.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Avery and Wormtail chanted.

"STOP!!" Bellatrix screamed.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Avery and Wormtail continued.

"STOP!!!" Bellatrix yelled. She stepped between Lucius and Snape.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Avery and Wormtail chanted.

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP??!!!" Bellatrix shrieked.

"Fight! Fight… fight…" Avery and Wormtail slowed.

"Fight?" Wormtail squeaked.

"Arg!" Bellatrix yelled.

"Breathe, Bella! In. Out. In. Out," Wormtail said.

"Wormtail…" Bellatrix said dangerously.

"In… Out… In…" Wormtail chanted.

"WORMTAIL!!!" Bellatrix shouted.

"In? Out?" Wormtail squeaked.

"Okay, that's enough!" Snape said. "Let's think about what to do."

"Well, we need money to buy food," Dolohov suggested.

"Good point!" Wormtail interjected.

"Wormtail," Lucius said.

"Yes?" Wormtail replied.

"Shut up!" Lucius said.

"Okay," Wormtail said.

"So, how do we get Muggle money?" Avery asked.

"We could perform a money charm," Lucius said sarcastically.

"There's a money charm? How? Tell me!" Wormtail squealed.

"You dance around the room saying: _Wingardium Levi-Money_," Lucius said sarcastically.

"Really?" Wormtail said, taking out his wand and dancing frantically around the room. "Wingardium Levi-Money!WINGARDIUM LEVI-MONEY!!! WINGARDIUM LEVI-oops! Uh-oh!" Wormtail cried, as he accidentally burned a hole through the window.

"WORMTAIL!! ARE YOU ABLE TO COMPREHEND THE MEANING OF SARCASM!!!!!" Snape yelled.

"Oh…" Wormtail said.

"Let's rob a bank!" Dolohov cried suddenly.

"Great idea!" Snape said sarcastically. "What are we going to do? Dress up as Muggles and burst into a bank and make a withdrawal?"

"Yeah!" Avery said. "Let's do that!"

"Are you insane? We can't just run into a Muggle bank and take the money!" Snape said.

"Yeah, we have to do it in an orderly, well-planned manner…" Lucius said.

"Okay, let's get started…" Bellatrix said.

* * *

Note: Sorry for the short chapter… I'll try to update sometime soon…

Please review!


	5. The Death Eaters Pull Off a Heist

The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.

Note: I haven't updated in about… well… about a year-and-a-half. I've been working on my main story, "The Ten Labor of Draco and Hermione" (please read it if you haven't already… unless you can't stand Draco/Hermione romance, in which case I won't force you to read the story) and a few interesting oneshots.

Haha, this chapter is… well… pointless, as ever. Enjoy! I'm not sure why I suddenly decided to update today… I'm about to update the Ten Labors, but I realized I had to reread a good amount of the story to figure out exactly what I was going to write next…

Oh, and as you can see, I have renamed the chapter titles!

Disclaimer: I hope you've already caught onto the fact that I don't own Harry Potter. Although I would like to own Wormtail… but he is a tad too slimy, and I don't think he can do the laundry very well.

* * *

Chapter 5 – The Death Eaters Pull Off a Heist 

"Sir?" a Ministry of Magic employee approached Cornelius Fudge.

"What!" Fudge replied angrily. "Can't you see I'm trying to track down deadly Death Eaters here?"

"We have received a report that someone has attempted a spell of 'Wingardium Levi-money' earlier, and it might have originated from a Death Eater," the employee said, trying not to look Fudge in the eye.

Fudge paused in thought. "Do you really think that a highly-trained Death Eater would attempt something as idiotic as that? Stop wasting my time!"

* * *

"I hate Apparating!" Wormtail complained. He rubbed his behind, got up, and took a look around. Suddenly, he squealed and poked Snape. Snape blinked and watched as Wormtail excitedly pointed at a big, shiny building across the street. 

"Here we are, the Bank of London," Avery announced. "Just looking at it makes me hungry."

"You're hungry for money?" Dolohov asked.

"No, there's a McDonald's right next to the bank," Avery said, licking his lips.

"No wonder you're so fat," Bellatrix muttered.

"I am not!" Avery retorted.

"Are too!" coughed Snape.

SLAP.

"Not fair!" Snape whined. "Bella was the one who called you fat!"

"Oh. Well in that case…" Avery began. Snape smirked in Bella's direction.

SLAP.

"OW! Why'd you hit me again?" Snape clutched his face.

"Because, I can't hit a girl –" Avery said.

"– but anyone can hit a Snape," chorused the other Death Eaters.

Snape frowned. "When did we make that rule? And I object to being called a Snape! It makes me sound like I'm in a class all by myself… HEY!" Snape finally got the joke.

"It's an unwritten rule. Just like 'don't call a date back the very next day', 'don't regift presents the same Christmas', and 'wear green on St. Patrick's Day'," said Wormtail.

"How do you know about St. Patrick's Day?" asked Dolohov. "I thought it was a Muggle holiday."

"It is. It's all about the luck of the Irish," Wormtail said happily.

"You aren't Irish," Avery pointed out.

"But I can pretend." Wormtail sniffed.

"Right… Can we get a move on here? There's a bunch of French fries calling my name…" Lucius had a longing look in his eyes.

"I thought you didn't get cheap Muggle food," Avery raised an eyebrow.

"I don't," Lucius snapped. "That's why you are going to buy it for me."

"'Cause that totally just made sense…" said Bellatrix.

"People!" shouted Dolohov.

"We aren't people, we're Death Eaters!" cried Wormtail.

"No, _we_ are Death Eaters. _You_ are a Wormtail," Bellatrix corrected.

"And Snape is a Snape!" added Avery.

"_What_ on earth is a Snape? And why does it sound like a bad thing?" Snape wondered.

The others turned to look at him.

"Oh, ho, ho, trust me, it _is_ a bad thing," Avery said.

"Snape represents a certain point in middle-aged wizards when you lose all cleanliness, fun, and hair," quipped Wormtail.

"…"

"_What_?" Snape looked baffled. "I don't get it… And what's with the part about cleanliness?"

The others gave each other looks. "That explains it," Lucius muttered.

"Hey, look! A bank! We can get money there!" exclaimed Avery.

"Yeah… Hey, didn't we already have this conversation before?" Dolohov looked annoyed.

"Ooh! I have an idea! I know how to rob the bank!" Wormtail looked gleeful.

Wormtail snatched Snape's wand, and ran.

"Wait… WHAT?" Lucius yelled. "Someone stop him!"

No one moved.

Snape took one teeny, tiny step toward the bank, and faltered.

Suddenly, there was an explosion. The Death Eaters blinked. Wormtail came running away from the bank holding bags of… money.

"I DID IT!" Wormtail jumped up and down. "I did something useful!"

"Don't wet yourself," Dolohov sneered.

This did nothing to lower Wormtail's mood as he danced around in circles, dangling the bags of money.

Finally, Lucius spoke up.

"How exactly did you do it…?"

Wormtail paused. "I did what you told me to!"

"Which is…?"

"I DID WINGARDIUM LEVI-MONEY!"

* * *

Note: Kind of a short, silly chapter… Hope you liked it! Yes, baby Voldi kinda disappeared from this chapter, but fear not, he will definitely return! 

Please review and tell me what you think! Oh, and please feel free to tell me any ideas that you might have for funny scenes with the Death Eaters – the plot is pretty open to anything any reader wants to add, so don't be shy to let me know! (Of course, if you plan to kill off one of the characters… that might not work so well because I kind of need them… alive… so they can do ridiculously stupid and hilarious things).


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